Greetings!
Today is a good day for the most part. I have been married for almost 15 years. I think I was in a bad spot when I got married. I was too fresh out of a relationship and my now wife's clock was ticking so she rushed the marriage (and I agreed) after dating 8 months. Then we had our son prematurely a just over a year later...we never really dated or got good at building our foundation together. We can't go back in time, but I often wonder if I make the best spouse? We're different...she introverted and had a shitty childhood and her mom bled out in her arms when she was only 25. Her dad died when she was 12. The results from this have led to some of our own special family times, but when it comes down to it...I'm not able to empathize to the extend she needs and we have worked on my issues for so long, that now I feel healthier and in a better spot overall. She doesn't dive into her world much so when she does it creates old feelings being drummed up....I want to fight for my marriage, but I live my personal life in adolescence. I am getting better as I am aware of my coping mechanisms and default mentality. I think she has me as a “false God” because she comes to me instead of directing her heart to the powers above. I let her down on a daily basis and my boys see this...I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that we have to get stronger or we have to have gratitude and thank each other for our time together, then move on. There is no in between really....all that stuff is minutia compared to the where we are going in life. I want to grow together, but parenting together is huge gridlock. Time will tell.
I better go. I have soup on the stove and I promised my oldest son I would go to the gym with him...and we have company coming over in a couple of hours. I was once told by my Dr. that I have the “Cadillac” of mental illnesses in being Bi-Polar...he said it is the most treatable...and if proper care is followed, I can live a typical lifestyle forever. I agree. I think family of origin issues far outweigh mental illness issues when properly medicated, healthy lifestyle, etc. I know spouses are not perfect...COVID has impacted the world in many ways....our world is more complex, inflation is rising, and my and my wife don't get along that much when the kids are between us and we have criticism, unrealistic expectations...the world beats us up enough...be a soft place to fall for the ones you care about in your life. Yes, I need to heed my own advice as well.