I just have to rant.
My wife and I have been married for 14 years and shit just doesn't get better. Our family of origins are very different....she's from a small family, single mother, calm, controlled-environment, her family doesn't talk about things much, she was left alone a lot...she was raised on her own taking care of herself as her dad passed away when she was 12 and her mother died from Cancer when she was just 25...not fair or good. I was raised in a huge family, my dad dominated everything, and my mom loved the kitchen, our yard, and the overall home...I wasn't even allowed in the kitchen growing up because my mom loved all aspects of taking care of home. Fast forward a few decades and it never ceases to amaze me to see how my wife can take really good care of herself time after time. I worked as a server, bus boy, bartender, and dishwasher before college and there was a lot of teamwork involved....lots of “cooks in the kitchen” so to speak. Just now we were going to make coffee (an espresso) at the same time. Long story short...I was at the machine getting “our” coffee and she was getting ice for her ice water, I gave her 3 cups...one for her coffee, my coffee, and one for my ice water as she was getting ice for hers. She got ice for my coffee, but put down my ice water cup...then bitched because I did not get her espresso ready for her coffee...without looking to see that the espresso maker only brews one batch at a time. It was like she thought she was abandoned. But in reality she was absolutely impatient and in the role of the “victim”. This stems from her being abandoned as a kid/young adult. Superman would not have had time to get her coffee ready before she was so quick to point out a grievance. Then she butted right in so that she “had to make her own coffee” -as if there were no other options – and make me work around her at the machine...it was a total “control” -power sulking move – as if I can't multi-task or make two coffees at the same time waiting for the machine spit out the espresso? Then she got our cereal and milk...for her only...then asks: “Do you want me to leave the milk out for you?” It seemed nice, but in reality she could have taken out two bowls, two spoons, or asked do you want cereal? Instead she sat at the table eating her cereal by herself, with her coffee and all her needs met. No teamwork or chemistry. Today is a Sunday so what the fuck is the hurry? I'm confused because the more I try to do something for her...the more I realize she is extremely particular and likes to do things “just so” or her way. I got her flowers 14 years ago (and many times since then) but the first time I got her flowers she said, “I don't really like flowers, they die in a week.” So much for trying? I guess I find it hard to share little things and big things with a person on an Island. She only knows to take care of herself FIRST. She's a great person, just surviving in this life rather than living, sharing, communicating, being flexible, or giving us room to wiggle. The fact also is my cup for ice water remained empty...she just couldn't get to her coffee making fast enough...so she left my cup with no ice...just on the counter even though I put it in her hand. Why does this matter? Because it is a microcosm of our parenting...we can't get on the same page...we both like to be in the driver's seat and when I try to execute the ''love language” of acts of service...she bitches because I didn't do it fast enough, or she thinks I am not considering her...total bullshit...she's impatient, defaults into the role of the victim or sees me as a selfish bastard...she really does go through life introverted and quick to judge. She gets physical therapy, facials, massages, haircuts/colors, pedicures, manicures, Dr. appts....all...the...time. No big deal, but she loves to schedule shit 24/7....it's like she doesn't know what a current single parent goes through...I just don't see her as a natural team player...she never played sports in HS or college....never worked in a restaurant...she gets overwhelmed easy too. Fuck it....she's not going to change and I'm not motivated to do things together.