Stress
I think the amounts of stress a Bipolar person has in their life triggers all kinds of stuff. 31 years ago I was at UW in Seattle for the first time taking a full load of undergraduate classes. I transferred in and got an apartment. That proved to be a mistake...I got isolated and coming from a small town being on my own for the first time I also got overwhelmed. I was an idiot too. I held on to a long-distance relationship with a gal who was playing basketball on a scholarship in Missouri. I totally forced the relationship and did not bloom at all at UW. If fact, my roommates were athletes so we were invited to Football, Tennis, Golf, etc, parties. I turned down an invitation from a UW cheerleader (who was from my HS) to go out with them after a Husky game. Why? Because I wanted to stay loyal to my long-distance girlfriend. Remember, there wasn't an Internet at the time so we called and wrote letters. Dumb. There were 4 girls who live below us in our apartment who were loads of fun and interested. My point is by April I was maxed in terms of stress. I didn't have a computer so I used the computer labs and they always had a closing time. I was taking a French History class where the final was worth 50% of the grade and the other 50% came from a 16-20 page paper. I got a job at a video rental place, and I found myself not sleeping much for weeks. I average a 3.0 GPA, but I new something was wrong as my mid started to read into things. I worked out twice a day, forgetting to eat, I started using my credit cared on things the were impulsive, I listened to Alice In Chains's “Don't Follow” over and over again. It was dark and rainy in Seattle too. I went tanning just to get the light. That didn't work. I guess I say all of this because stress still comes and goes 31 years later. My inception into finding out I was Bipolar was like living in a horror movie in slow motion...I turned introverted and didn't let people know the craziness that was going on in my mind...I began to trust nobody and lived in fear in silence – other than my impulsive outbursts if I noticed something unjust. Today, I am much more in control of my life and I know I get through things in life...my son even battled and won a 3 ½ year bout of childhood Leukemia. During this time, the attention was not on myself. I took my meds religiously, but focused on the plan in place to keep my son alive. There were tons of times within that 3 ½ year treatment schedule when I went without much sleep, put one foot in front of the other, prayed a lot, and worked as a team with my wife. Stress was everywhere, but this time period also gave me the opportunity to get my mind right for my family and son's well-being. I didn't crack like I did when I was 19 years old. I was able to stretch my limits and overcome my fears of being Bipolar because I didn't make me the victim. The victim was my 3 year old son in very poor health. I gained a lot of confidence in myself after this was over because even through the stress was very high...I somehow persevered...I didn't got crazy, I stopped drinking alcohol for the most part, I stopped fighting with my wife over control, I listened to music, I read books with my son, and I pushed back on life because I wanted my son to live so badly. Stress, though, can affect me in different ways. Sometimes it's the mosquito bites that have driven me to contemplate suicide. Stress needs to be managed and lately...I know I have to become more active physically. There is nothing better than that feeling I have after a good sweat....my mind is calm, my heart is full, and I feel that I've accomplished something great. I live in the present...so unlike I did 31 years ago.