BidgeJo

The SUN is out!

I am typing this at my dining room table sitting in the sunshine! This is Western WA and it feels good to be in the light. I kicked ass as work already, cooked some things for dinner, ran an errand, plan to walk tonight with my wife...I think the sunshine will hold up. I must say I made a change in my Psychiatrist over 3 years ago now. Life has been restored. Per his recommendation I reading Anthony William's Medical Medium...I read the first few chapters and the rest pertain directly to life/health issues....gut issues, unhealthy metals in the body, PTSD, natural foods, and other various health/body/mind issues. I need to buy a juicer...for the 3rd time in my life. Ha! I think about how I spent 15 years on SO MUCH medication...thinking I needed to do “whatever” the Psychiatrist said. In my 20's I was wild...like most...but I needed a new direction...I was going to bars weekly, coaching/teaching, never saying no...and it caught up with me. I met a good Psychiatrist and he helped me greatly....made me face my denial/shame of having Bi-Polar disorder or at least slowing down and healing. I moved and got a new Psychiatrist in Federal Way by just looking up one in the yellow pages/website. I went to him for over ten years and he put me on more medicine and then he gave me more on top of that....he was all about money. Over the 10 years, I was successful at work, but that was about it....my marriage suffered, my time as an early dad I was check out and numb. I didn't see it because I was following “Dr.'s Orders” and kept up with what he recommended. I held too much stock in what medicine is supposed to do...in other words, I wasn't in control of my life and had very little feelings. I had a huge job with tons of conflicts, community involvement, late night functions, weekend functions...sure I loved the attention and money, but I gave it all away for a chance to live a better life...and to get to know my boys and wife better. It has taken 3 years for me to come out of this....I am glad I have learned that medicine is 1/3 of it....healthy lifestyle (food/exercise)is another 1/3 and the last 1/3 of being content and mentally healthy is a combination of things....lower stress, Spiritual beliefs, stable marriage or relationships, good core of trusted friends, and SUNSHINE! This winter is the best I have felt forever....I drink a quart of water with lemon or lime juice before breakfast...then once i get a juicer I will drink 16 ounces of Celery Juice...then follow some of supplements I see in the book....this is WAY MORE realistic and inspiring to me than taking tons of Risperdol and Lorazapam. I hope I learn to take care of myself as well as my wife takes care of herself....I do like Vodka on weekends and a little midnight smoke to listen to music or watch a comedy....I am currently doing DRY January though and have only cheated 1 night. I am totally in touch with myself in terms of that “devil” and “angel” who sit on my shoulders everyday and talk to me about my options. What I have discovered about myself is that I have repeatedly been in my own way for years and I get complacent. But not necessarily when there is SUNSHINE. Ideally, I love 4 seasons...I grew up in that climate and never new how awesome living in 4 seasons for 25 years meant to me! In June I was 30 pounds lighter than I am now...I totally derailed over the Holidays...on purpose...but now I need get my butt in gear and play tennis, go to the gym, walk, and eat well. There is a wedding in July and my HS reunion too this summer...I'd like to feel good about myself during those two things....It will take some effort, but I think I'm up for the challenge...I did it last year, but gave up...stress, not the most stable marriage, kids, work, and self-sabotaging. The best part about right now is that the SUN is out and I'm listening to music alone in my house....I enjoy working from home when everybody is gone...Today is a great day...time to get outside!

I just have to rant.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and shit just doesn't get better. Our family of origins are very different....she's from a small family, single mother, calm, controlled-environment, her family doesn't talk about things much, she was left alone a lot...she was raised on her own taking care of herself as her dad passed away when she was 12 and her mother died from Cancer when she was just 25...not fair or good. I was raised in a huge family, my dad dominated everything, and my mom loved the kitchen, our yard, and the overall home...I wasn't even allowed in the kitchen growing up because my mom loved all aspects of taking care of home. Fast forward a few decades and it never ceases to amaze me to see how my wife can take really good care of herself time after time. I worked as a server, bus boy, bartender, and dishwasher before college and there was a lot of teamwork involved....lots of “cooks in the kitchen” so to speak. Just now we were going to make coffee (an espresso) at the same time. Long story short...I was at the machine getting “our” coffee and she was getting ice for her ice water, I gave her 3 cups...one for her coffee, my coffee, and one for my ice water as she was getting ice for hers. She got ice for my coffee, but put down my ice water cup...then bitched because I did not get her espresso ready for her coffee...without looking to see that the espresso maker only brews one batch at a time. It was like she thought she was abandoned. But in reality she was absolutely impatient and in the role of the “victim”. This stems from her being abandoned as a kid/young adult. Superman would not have had time to get her coffee ready before she was so quick to point out a grievance. Then she butted right in so that she “had to make her own coffee” -as if there were no other options – and make me work around her at the machine...it was a total “control” -power sulking move – as if I can't multi-task or make two coffees at the same time waiting for the machine spit out the espresso? Then she got our cereal and milk...for her only...then asks: “Do you want me to leave the milk out for you?” It seemed nice, but in reality she could have taken out two bowls, two spoons, or asked do you want cereal? Instead she sat at the table eating her cereal by herself, with her coffee and all her needs met. No teamwork or chemistry. Today is a Sunday so what the fuck is the hurry? I'm confused because the more I try to do something for her...the more I realize she is extremely particular and likes to do things “just so” or her way. I got her flowers 14 years ago (and many times since then) but the first time I got her flowers she said, “I don't really like flowers, they die in a week.” So much for trying? I guess I find it hard to share little things and big things with a person on an Island. She only knows to take care of herself FIRST. She's a great person, just surviving in this life rather than living, sharing, communicating, being flexible, or giving us room to wiggle. The fact also is my cup for ice water remained empty...she just couldn't get to her coffee making fast enough...so she left my cup with no ice...just on the counter even though I put it in her hand. Why does this matter? Because it is a microcosm of our parenting...we can't get on the same page...we both like to be in the driver's seat and when I try to execute the ''love language” of acts of service...she bitches because I didn't do it fast enough, or she thinks I am not considering her...total bullshit...she's impatient, defaults into the role of the victim or sees me as a selfish bastard...she really does go through life introverted and quick to judge. She gets physical therapy, facials, massages, haircuts/colors, pedicures, manicures, Dr. appts....all...the...time. No big deal, but she loves to schedule shit 24/7....it's like she doesn't know what a current single parent goes through...I just don't see her as a natural team player...she never played sports in HS or college....never worked in a restaurant...she gets overwhelmed easy too. Fuck it....she's not going to change and I'm not motivated to do things together.

I just have to rant.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and shit just doesn't get better. Our family of origins are very different....she's from a small family, single mother, calm, controlled-environment, her family doesn't talk about things much, she was left alone a lot...she was raised on her own taking care of herself as her dad passed away when she was 12 and her mother died from Cancer when she was just 25...not fair or good. I was raised in a huge family, my dad dominated everything, and my mom loved the kitchen, our yard, and the overall home...I wasn't even allowed in the kitchen growing up because my mom loved all aspects of taking care of home. Fast forward a few decades and it never ceases to amaze me to see how my wife can take really good care of herself time after time. I worked as a server, bus boy, bartender, and dishwasher before college and there was a lot of teamwork involved....lots of “cooks in the kitchen” so to speak. Just now we were going to make coffee (an espresso) at the same time. Long story short...I was at the machine getting “our” coffee and she was getting ice for her ice water, I gave her 3 cups...one for her coffee, my coffee, and one for my ice water as she was getting ice for hers. She got ice for my coffee, but put down my ice water cup...then bitched because I did not get her espresso ready for her coffee...without looking to see that the espresso maker only brews one batch at a time. It was like she thought she was abandoned. But in reality she was absolutely impatient and in the role of the “victim”. This stems from her being abandoned as a kid/young adult. Superman would not have had time to get her coffee ready before she was so quick to point out a grievance. Then she butted right in so that she “had to make her own coffee” -as if there were no other options – and make me work around her at the machine...it was a total “control” -power sulking move – as if I can't multi-task or make two coffees at the same time waiting for the machine spit out the espresso? Then she got our cereal and milk...for her only...then asks: “Do you want me to leave the milk out for you?” It seemed nice, but in reality she could have taken out two bowls, two spoons, or asked do you want cereal? Instead she sat at the table eating her cereal by herself, with her coffee and all her needs met. No teamwork or chemistry. Today is a Sunday so what the fuck is the hurry? I'm confused because the more I try to do something for her...the more I realize she is extremely particular and likes to do things “just so” or her way. I got her flowers 14 years ago (and many times since then) but the first time I got her flowers she said, “I don't really like flowers, they die in a week.” So much for trying? I guess I find it hard to share little things and big things with a person on an Island. She only knows to take care of herself FIRST. She's a great person, just surviving in this life rather than living, sharing, communicating, being flexible, or giving us room to wiggle. The fact also is my cup for ice water remained empty...she just couldn't get to her coffee making fast enough...so she left my cup with no ice...just on the counter even though I put it in her hand. Why does this matter? Because it is a microcosm of our parenting...we can't get on the same page...we both like to be in the driver's seat and when I try to execute the ''love language” of acts of service...she bitches because I didn't do it fast enough, or she thinks I am not considering her...total bullshit...she's impatient, defaults into the role of the victim or sees me as a selfish bastard...she really does go through life introverted and quick to judge. She gets physical therapy, facials, massages, haircuts/colors, pedicures, manicures, Dr. appts....all...the...time. No big deal, but she loves to schedule shit 24/7....it's like she doesn't know what a current single parent goes through...I just don't see her as a natural team player...she never played sports in HS or college....never worked in a restaurant...she gets overwhelmed easy too. Fuck it....she's not going to change and I'm not motivated to do things together.

Sometimes you have nothing to say.

I gained 30lbs since June...now I am going to lose 30lbs. before April 11th.

October-December are so fun to pig out...but I feel like crap, I'm not as energetic, and I don't like how my clothes feel right now. I'm going to do this by not eating sugar, drinking next to no alcohol, playing tennis, and going to the gym with my son. One day at a time...I want to get my self-esteem to a point of being driven regardless of anything. I'm 48 years old so time is not on my side.

Stress

I think the amounts of stress a Bipolar person has in their life triggers all kinds of stuff. 31 years ago I was at UW in Seattle for the first time taking a full load of undergraduate classes. I transferred in and got an apartment. That proved to be a mistake...I got isolated and coming from a small town being on my own for the first time I also got overwhelmed. I was an idiot too. I held on to a long-distance relationship with a gal who was playing basketball on a scholarship in Missouri. I totally forced the relationship and did not bloom at all at UW. If fact, my roommates were athletes so we were invited to Football, Tennis, Golf, etc, parties. I turned down an invitation from a UW cheerleader (who was from my HS) to go out with them after a Husky game. Why? Because I wanted to stay loyal to my long-distance girlfriend. Remember, there wasn't an Internet at the time so we called and wrote letters. Dumb. There were 4 girls who live below us in our apartment who were loads of fun and interested. My point is by April I was maxed in terms of stress. I didn't have a computer so I used the computer labs and they always had a closing time. I was taking a French History class where the final was worth 50% of the grade and the other 50% came from a 16-20 page paper. I got a job at a video rental place, and I found myself not sleeping much for weeks. I average a 3.0 GPA, but I new something was wrong as my mid started to read into things. I worked out twice a day, forgetting to eat, I started using my credit cared on things the were impulsive, I listened to Alice In Chains's “Don't Follow” over and over again. It was dark and rainy in Seattle too. I went tanning just to get the light. That didn't work. I guess I say all of this because stress still comes and goes 31 years later. My inception into finding out I was Bipolar was like living in a horror movie in slow motion...I turned introverted and didn't let people know the craziness that was going on in my mind...I began to trust nobody and lived in fear in silence – other than my impulsive outbursts if I noticed something unjust. Today, I am much more in control of my life and I know I get through things in life...my son even battled and won a 3 ½ year bout of childhood Leukemia. During this time, the attention was not on myself. I took my meds religiously, but focused on the plan in place to keep my son alive. There were tons of times within that 3 ½ year treatment schedule when I went without much sleep, put one foot in front of the other, prayed a lot, and worked as a team with my wife. Stress was everywhere, but this time period also gave me the opportunity to get my mind right for my family and son's well-being. I didn't crack like I did when I was 19 years old. I was able to stretch my limits and overcome my fears of being Bipolar because I didn't make me the victim. The victim was my 3 year old son in very poor health. I gained a lot of confidence in myself after this was over because even through the stress was very high...I somehow persevered...I didn't got crazy, I stopped drinking alcohol for the most part, I stopped fighting with my wife over control, I listened to music, I read books with my son, and I pushed back on life because I wanted my son to live so badly. Stress, though, can affect me in different ways. Sometimes it's the mosquito bites that have driven me to contemplate suicide. Stress needs to be managed and lately...I know I have to become more active physically. There is nothing better than that feeling I have after a good sweat....my mind is calm, my heart is full, and I feel that I've accomplished something great. I live in the present...so unlike I did 31 years ago.

Hello again!

It's this time of the year again in the Pacific Northwest. Lots of rain, gray, and darkness on the western side of WA. I also seem to get lethargic this time of year. The good news this year is that my doctor and I have a proactive plan to combat me being Bipolar and this time of year. Last year, I waited until mid January before I met with my Doctor to see if he could change my meds or do something. This year I am taking double the Vitamin D, Vitamin K, and a certain kind of powder Vitamin C in addition my my regular meds. By the way, I changed Doctors over 2 years ago and it have been a good thing in many ways. He took me off of all the meds my previous Doctor put me on or reduced the dose. I have my life back for the most part. I am not as checked out or numb. It was a long process to reduce my meds because for 10 years or more I was overmedicated. Now I feel like I can let go of shame more frequently or at least recognize my automatic thought process when I default to doom and gloom thinking. I also am able to live in the present much more. I took up playing tennis again for a year until I totaled my Tundra and tore my labrum. I haven't got back to playing tennis again, but I will before Christmas. This new Doctor says being Bipolar is actually a “gift.” I see what he means...creativity, people skills, overcoming adversity, youthful disposition....I had so much shame for so long...that taking a more natural approach, less meds, and more physical activity...I have been more alive. I even have contemplated if I should still be married or not....I have made efforts to change and it feels good inside and out. I doubt I will end my marriage with two young boys in the house...and...I know my wife loves me and I love her. Overall, this winter season I will test this new concoction and see if I can endure these several months. My Doctor did say if I get depressed like last year, he has a med I can take for a week that bolts me out of the darkness, but I am trying to avoid that if I can? A close cousin of mine, the same age as me, died a month ago due to heart failure. My family asked me to do the Eulogy and it was an honor. But the truth is for 5 weekends straight....usually on a Saturday night, I got drunk on Vodka soda waters and lime -and- Crown Royal – with my brother/cousins. I was processing this loss and I even went to Vegas and blacked out on Fremont Street. I have no idea where I was or what I did for 2 hours. I remember calling and getting into the Uber, but I arrived back in the Hotel on the Strip at 3:41 a.m. The next day I had the shakes and I felt like shit. So the goal I made when I got home from Vegas was to limit my drinking to 1 day in November and 1 day in December. So far so good. Honestly, why be proactive with all these meds, Vitamins, exercise, etc. just to drink my soul away? I love booze and to check out and laugh with my cousins/brothers...maybe a little too much. In truth, not much good comes from drinking alcohol. Being Bipolar I have lots of addictive tendencies...technology, alcohol, gambling, and whatever I can't get my mind off of. The good news it to try to balance life....everything in moderation...my pie of life. I am not sure what Bipolar is like for others who have it...but I refuse to let it define me.

Greetings!

Today is a good day for the most part. I have been married for almost 15 years. I think I was in a bad spot when I got married. I was too fresh out of a relationship and my now wife's clock was ticking so she rushed the marriage (and I agreed) after dating 8 months. Then we had our son prematurely a just over a year later...we never really dated or got good at building our foundation together. We can't go back in time, but I often wonder if I make the best spouse? We're different...she introverted and had a shitty childhood and her mom bled out in her arms when she was only 25. Her dad died when she was 12. The results from this have led to some of our own special family times, but when it comes down to it...I'm not able to empathize to the extend she needs and we have worked on my issues for so long, that now I feel healthier and in a better spot overall. She doesn't dive into her world much so when she does it creates old feelings being drummed up....I want to fight for my marriage, but I live my personal life in adolescence. I am getting better as I am aware of my coping mechanisms and default mentality. I think she has me as a “false God” because she comes to me instead of directing her heart to the powers above. I let her down on a daily basis and my boys see this...I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that we have to get stronger or we have to have gratitude and thank each other for our time together, then move on. There is no in between really....all that stuff is minutia compared to the where we are going in life. I want to grow together, but parenting together is huge gridlock. Time will tell.

I better go. I have soup on the stove and I promised my oldest son I would go to the gym with him...and we have company coming over in a couple of hours. I was once told by my Dr. that I have the “Cadillac” of mental illnesses in being Bi-Polar...he said it is the most treatable...and if proper care is followed, I can live a typical lifestyle forever. I agree. I think family of origin issues far outweigh mental illness issues when properly medicated, healthy lifestyle, etc. I know spouses are not perfect...COVID has impacted the world in many ways....our world is more complex, inflation is rising, and my and my wife don't get along that much when the kids are between us and we have criticism, unrealistic expectations...the world beats us up enough...be a soft place to fall for the ones you care about in your life. Yes, I need to heed my own advice as well.

Greetings!

Today is a good day for the most part. I have been married for almost 15 years. I think I was in a bad spot when I got married. I was too fresh out of a relationship and my now wife's clock was ticking so she rushed the marriage (and I agreed) after dating 8 months. Then we had our son prematurely a just over a year later...we never really dated or got good at building our foundation together. We can't go back in time, but I often wonder if I make the best spouse? We're different...she introverted and had a shitty childhood and her mom bled out in her arms when she was only 25. Her dad died when she was 12. The results from this have led to some of our own special family times, but when it comes down to it...I'm not able to empathize to the extend she needs and we have worked on my issues for so long, that now I feel healthier and in a better spot overall. She doesn't dive into her world much so when she does it creates old feelings being drummed up....I want to fight for my marriage, but I live my personal life in adolescence. I am getting better as I am aware of my coping mechanisms and default mentality. I think she has me as a “false God” because she comes to me instead of directing her heart to the powers above. I let her down on a daily basis and my boys see this...I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that we have to get stronger or we have to have gratitude and thank each other for our time together, then move on. There is no in between really....all that stuff is minutia compared to the where we are going in life. I want to grow together, but parenting together is huge gridlock. Time will tell.

I better go. I have soup on the stove and I promised my oldest son I would go to the gym with him...and we have company coming over in a couple of hours. I was once told by my Dr. that I have the “Cadillac” of mental illnesses in being Bi-Polar...he said it is the most treatable...and if proper care is followed, I can live a typical lifestyle forever. I agree. I think family of origin issues far outweigh mental illness issues when properly medicated, healthy lifestyle, etc. I know spouses are not perfect...COVID has impacted the world in many ways....our world is more complex, inflation is rising, and my and my wife don't get along that much when the kids are between us and we have criticism, unrealistic expectations...the world beats us up enough...be a soft place to fall for the ones you care about in your life. Yes, I need to heed my own advice as well.

Greetings!

I am writing this blog tonight for the first time in my life. I am 48 years old now and back in 1993 I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder at the age of 19. That's a long time to be silent about something that has impacted me so greatly. I considered myself lucky to have been diagnosed in a time when some kind of treatment was available. I did a write a single paper about being diagnosed as Bi-Polar later on when I transferred colleges. The professor remarked that I was “lucky” because effective medicine had not come out until the 1970's.

I was hospitalized in a “nut house” twice in 1993...once for a week in April...not voluntarily -and- again in June for a week, but this time it was voluntarily. My doctor told me he should have given me more Lithium back in April...and if he would have, I would not have found myself pumped with Haldol again. Haldol made my head extremely foggy and my tongue would swell up so much I couldn't talk over the drool. I remember one nurse was so nice because she recognized I was overmedicated and told the doctor. After that they didn't give me Haldol anymore. I will tell you later about what I did to land myself in a psychiatric hospital...those are stories for another time.

I grew up in a big, Irish Catholic family where we had lots of love, plenty of jokes and opinions...and not a lot of money. My Grandma on my dad's side of the family lost her husband when my dad was just 3 years old and she was pregnant with her 8th child. She had an 8th grade education and no driver's license ever. Long story short, she cracked up from all of the stress and found herself in the “nuthouse” a few times back in the 1950's. She was later diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder and her family was divided up for several years off and on. She never remarried and actually never got over losing my Grandpa. He died of a heart issue at the age of 41.

What learned behavior I took away from my family of origin was to be the victim. Not manipulating things as a victim, but carrying an attitude of shame or sadness...as if getting over things in life was next to impossible. My dad (and mom) actually came and got me back in 1993 and took me away from Seattle to a psychiatric facility in Eastern, WA. I was confused when they arrived that day. I actually went to a counseling office at the UW campus that April afternoon and lied on them during the initial private visit...reporting that he was an abusive spouse, an alcoholic, and comes from a family of mental illness. (Which was true, but not the major concern of that day.) The counselor listened to me for an hour and them asked if I wanted to sign up again for another visit in two weeks. Ha! I was committed to a psychiatric ward by 9:00 p.m. that night.

I just wish that my dad coped better with all of this drama. He never dealt with his childhood issues and then when his only son become mentally ill, like his mother, it freaked him out for months and years. He told people in our small town all about me, his fears,...my psychiatrist called it “confidentiality rape.” I think he just coped out loud and thought way too many people were his close friends. That is why I think I have carried lots of shame about being Bi-Polar for too long. In the 1990's not too many people understood mental health like we do today. Plus, my behavior wasn't the best either. I can't blame my dad for everything. I did for years though.....I wanted him to relax and get more educated instead of drinking Scotch and hiding behind his judgments....gaslighting me.

Before I go, I do want to let you know that since my diagnosis in 1993, I was able to live a better life because I always took my medicine routinely and consistently. I saw first hand from my Grandma what life was like when mentally ill people do not take their medicine. She was nuts for most of her life and she refused to take medicine. My dad denied needing any medicine to chill his ass out and bring him down from harsh start ups, insomnia, constant irritability, and acute perfectionism. Medicine I now know is not the “magic” solution or only answer to a healthy life. But I learned at the age of 19 that I was going to live my life with Bi-Polar taking what medicine the Psychiatrist recommended. (I had a good one at the time.) Because I took my medicine regularly I was able to go back to college, graduate, live oversees, get my first teaching job at 23 years old, coach sports, go to counseling, get good evaluations, have great work attendance, get my Master's degree, become an Assistant Principal and Principal, get married, have two children, stay married, and set more goals. But life is never a walk in the park...I know thoughts of self harm, depression, alcoholism, impulsivity, and shame all too well. I'll post again soon. I'm just getting started!